My cousin is getting married in a few weeks. I had e-mailed her and asked if it was okay to bring Thumbelina...I was planning on just showing up with her, but I thought it would be the nice thing for me to at least ask first. But I heard nothing back from her. A few weeks ago, at her shower, I mentioned it again. This time, she exchanged terrified looks with her mother and said it would be okay. I knew it probably wasn't, but I figured she needed to be an adult and deal with it. See, I'm not always nice. So tonight I got an e-mail from her telling me that Thumbelinca can't come to the wedding:
We understand your situation, and have struggled with what to do. Unfortuately we have had other members on both sides of the family that have had to make other arrangements, and we feel that there would be hard feelings... It is not that we do not want children from either side of the family there, it is just that it is a small venue.
Whatever.
So my first reaction was to say to Husband, Well, I guess we can't go then ...knowing how crushed he would be to miss out on a family event. In-laws at that. And he said that I could still go and he'll stay home with Thumbelina.
So a part of me wants to just stay home because they don't understand our situation. They don't get it. Because unless you're an adoptive parent, you're probably not going to get it when it comes to how you need to care for your children, especially during the first six months they're home. No offense to non-adoptive parents reading this. I didn't get it either until we adopted Thumbelina. I think I just want to get my point across that I will not leave her. Although I have left her for appointments before, the wedding is an evening wedding and I am not leaving her to be cuddled and put to bed by somebody other than me. Or Husband. Even though I know she would receive awesome care. It does the bonding process no good to have other people do the basic necessities for her.
But I also know how stressful it is to be a bride, and to try to please everybody and in the end pleasing nobody. And I don't want to be beotchy. So I probably will go to the wedding and leave Thumbelina home with Husband.
So what I need from you all is how to word my response to my cousin. Because I'm lible to type Whatever. Your loss. Have a nice wedding. No, not really.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
I like that you're looking at it from both sides....seeing her side too. I agree that others don't understand the attachment thing AT ALL. I would never had believed it before we started this process, so I guess I can see where she's coming from. I would probably go without hubby, secure in the knowledge that Thumbelina is safe and with her dad.
PS- There would still be a part of me that would be mad, though.
I understand. Believe I understand, but I wouldnt say anything nasty or with a bad undertone to your cousin. It's a special time in her life right now. She's getting married! I wouldnt mar her memories of this time by making a big deal of it.
I envision the first 6 months of Thumbelina being with you as the first six months of Emma being alive. I wouldnt go to a wedding and leave her with someone.
Honestly I know where you're comming from.
My wedding (25 years ago) wasn't videod, I didn't care about a fussy baby or two. Today most weddings are taped and a crying baby is not what anyone wants preserved for time and eternity.
Weddings are invite only. If a bride does not want the distraction of a baby during this solemn ceremony no one should be offended. Babies do not understand weddings or church and it is stressful for a child to 'be quiet' and do nothing.
Don't be offended. If you decide to find a sitter, Thumbelina will not unbond or have her phychi warped. If you decide to stay with your precious child then use that time to pray for the blessing of your cousin and her marriage. She'll need it soon enough. A new bride will need a lot more support after the nuptials than during.
I say all this in love. Not to offend. I had three sons fairly close together and I can't tell you how many times I stayed home with a sick or fussy baby. I was irritated at the time but I knew that my primary mission was to raise my children and be there for them at personal cost to me.
You are a fantastic mother. You are also a living epistle. Others (your children, family) are watching how you will respond to this. Put your head up. You are blessed beyond measure. I love reading your posts. And it's totally ok to be human and crabby.
WOw, Pricilla's comment is way better than mine. I teared up a little...
I say this in love too, and fully realizing that every child is different, and SOME (not all) have attachment issues. I had the honor of hearing Dr. Aronson talk at a function in May. She, in not so many words, stated that UNLESS your child truly has an attachment disorder, to stay away from the literature on attachment. She said to live your life normally, not to treat your child differently, to know the NORMAL stages of childhood development so that you can recognize if your kiddo is on target or not. BUT, most of all, that the child KNOWS INSTINCTIVELY, adopted or otherwise, who her mom is... and she will not forget in one evening or even a week or more.
SO. That said, and I FULLY admit to I may be off base since I don't know how Thumbelina is doing... but this particular adoption doctor said most of our attachment "issues" take place in US and not in our kids (as in we worry so much about it kind of thing).
Sorry if I offend at all... just passing on her wisdom, and she was amazing to listen to and made me feel MUCH more at ease!
Wow. Great responses, Kris and Priscilla!
I would add for the sake of wedding planners/brides that another solution is to have the Bride provide a safe baby sitting environment for the children of these families. We provided, at our daughter's wedding, two young ladies in a separate room for the duration of the wedding ceremony and reception so that families that wished to attend could enjoy the wedding, come & go to the children and leave when they needed to as a family. It allowed us to still see the children (even if the bride and groom couldn't make the time) and they were happy. It just allows an alternate solution.
Back to Kris and Priscilla - such wonderful, loving responses!
Alyson
LID 01/27/06
You (hopefully) only get married once and I think you're well within your rights to make the wedding child free - and if you want it child free, that means for everyone because if you make one exception, everyone else gets peeved. Also, I think it's much more relaxing for parents to be at a wedding without a child... we always worry that they'll have a meltdown and put a damper on events. That being said, I'm also an adoptive mom and understand your quandry... I'd either go without baby or tell relative that you understand she's in a tough position but you just don't feel like you can leave baby now and will have to pass... but with best wishes.
Julie
Post a Comment