Retirement

I actually have a relative that could fit the following depictment, except he isn't close to retiring...


Our old friend, Wm. H "Bill" Fenton, recently retired from the phone company and, to help fill his days, now accompanies his wife on her shopping trips to the local Walmart. We know Bill and, therefore, can only speculate that extreme boredom has led to his recent disruptive behavior at the local Walmart...
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Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally Worrywart
President
Wal-Mart Complaint Department
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MEMO
Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:

1. June 15, took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2, set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7, made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. July 19, walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3 in Housewares..." and watched what happened.
5. August 4, went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14, moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15, Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'd bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23, When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4, Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10, While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knew where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3, Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6, In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different sized funnels.
13. December 18, Hid in a clothing rack and when people were browsing through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"